Happy Monday, everybody. So Anheuser Busch could really use a drink right now and something stronger than Bud Light, like hemlock or tastier, like spring water near a train derailment. The company lost tons of money in the wake of the Dylan Mulvaney controversy, where they gave us the first commemorative can featuring woman face, something that will no doubt be condemned in about ten years. Sales are plummeting faster than Hunter Biden's pants in a porno theater. And we're seeing more boycotts than at Kevin Spacey's sleepaway camp. It's okay. It's okay that I said that. It's just a joke. But to me, this is wrong, because while I think it's good for a company to get a message from the public when they screw up, boycotts usually hurt the people making a living who weren't responsible for this mistake.
Of course, the left always loves a good boycott because they seek retribution for anyone having more fun than them, which is everyone. But we're different. We're fun. We're glad Budweiser learned a lesson, and we hope other companies will learn not to fall for a fad. But that's enough, right? Well, the CEO of Anheuser-Busch, Brendan Whitworth, has put out a statement called "Our Responsibility to America." "As a CEO of a company founded in America's heartland more than 165 years ago, I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew. We're honored to be part of the fabric of this country."
Yeah, that's why most consumers drink 8 to 10 Buds in one sitting – to feel that American pride. Actually, no. It's to numb the pain of living paycheck to paycheck in a country run by a nut bag president who calls them domestic terrorists for not applauding when their daughter Laura, just announced she's now, Larry. We drink not because we're Americans. We drink because we're losing America. The statement goes on, but I'll summarize. 1) Budweiser makes lots of beer. 2) Brendan Whitworth was in the Marines and good for him. 3) America. You'd get a better PR statement from one of Pete Hegseth's pocket squares.
That's okay, though. The company also put out a new ad in response to the fiasco. I hope they don't say it's a beer rooted in the heart of America, brewed for those who found opportunity in challenge and hope in tomorrow.
BUD LIGHT COMMERCIAL: A beer rooted in the heart of America, brewed for those who found opportunity in challenge and hope in tomorrow. This is the story of the American spirit.
I almost want to shove a can up my a**. Anyway. So, I mean, I don't know why I said that. So it's like that's what happens when I feel patriotic. Anyway, I'm glad they're using the Clydesdales, as long as they don't ask them for their pronouns. It's bad enough you make them do drag queen story hour. So, yes, this was a screw-up. But is it really on, Bud? I don't think so. I think it's on our culture, one that elevates performative drama over real competence. And it's everywhere. We don't do things. We pretend to do things. Who wants to be a fireman when you could be an actor playing a fireman? So the problem isn't trans. No matter how much that issue is being pushed on us. After all, we've seen plenty of trans people over the years. Hell, I even hired one. Yeah, I might as well. That's the second chapter of her new book.
Instead, it was an idiotic decision to rely on influencers. You hear a lot about them. In a way, they've replaced celebrities and elevating brands in search of credibility. The problem is the influencers' credibility is only based on the attention they draw to themselves. But if you've got millions of followers on social media, you must know something right? Wrong. Influencers don't know anything. That's not the job. It's about attention over ability. And now attention becomes ability. With that criteria, a subway flasher who lights fires with his ass could be next in line for Bud. That's me. So is hiring an influencer good for a company's bottom line?
Well, maybe if you like the color red or ask a tide pod swallowing kid-- if he's still alive. In all likelihood, the clueless codgers at Anheuser-Busch were like, 'Hey, we don't know who this cute little filly is, but we trust you young marketing creative types. Let us know when the campaign's ready and we'll look it up on our flip phones.' But it was lazy and stupid to assume somebody you don't know would be a good spokesman for your product. Maybe have someone born before 1993 to do a little vetting because vetting is important. Fox didn't. And look what happened.
PICTURE OF BRIAN KILMEADE
But what influencer has ever influenced you to do anything positive? Mulvaney influenced Bud's customers to switch to St. Pauli Girl so they won't have to wonder what's under the skirt. Bottom line, influencers influence us to do the opposite of whatever they recommend because they're so damn unlikable. They're the worst. Sure, you can shame people into shutting up about whichever social issue you think is important this week, but you can't shame people into buying beer, even if you need beer goggles just to look at your spokesperson.
