Happy Wednesday, it really is a wonderful Wednesday. Well, unless you live in Washington, D.C., then you're screwed. I mean, in a nearly unanimous move, council members in the nation's capital voted to soften penalties for violent crimes, including carjackings, murder and sexual assault. The upside? Well, now [that] the courts won't have to deal with violent offenders they can be free to prosecute gas oven owners, and it's about time. The overhaul of the city's criminal code includes reduced maximum sentences and the elimination of nearly all mandatory minimum sentences. This is crazy. There's also provisions that let violent criminals ask for early release 20-years into their sentences. You know, just in case they were too stupid to demand that they go to the women's jail. Grow your hair out, for God's sake.
So if you're in a drug cartel, maybe that migrant bus taking you to D.C. isn't such a bad idea after all. They initially passed this code in November, but Democrat Mayor Muriel Bowser vetoed it. Listen.
MAYOR MURIEL BOWSER: Any time there's a policy that reduces penalties, I think it sends the wrong message... It's the wrong way to go.
DC DEMOCRAT FIGHTS OWN PARTY OVER VIOLENT CRIME RESPONSE: 'TRULY PUZZLING'
Wow, her insurance must have approved stem cell treatments because it sounds like she finally grew a brain. Maybe she can lend it to our president on the weekends.
But this is the same lady behind the creation of BLM Plaza. TripAdvisor says it's one of the ten best streets for getting beaten on a budget. My point being, you could fool her with a card trick. True, she vetoed giving criminals free rein of the city, but the last time I checked, thugs weren't exactly being sent to their rooms with no supper. She was overruled this week by the council, which claims they're not handing out harsh penalties anyways, so let's get rid of them. So the ruling might make her look moderate, but really, she's as crazy as they are. Here's how one councilman tried to spin it.
COUNCILMAN CHARLES ALLEN: Well, it doesn't lessen the penalty. It lines up with what the court's handing out... What people are looking at, is on DC's criminal code, many, many years ago, there was something added that added the possible maximum is up to 40-years in prison for an armed carjacking. That's not something the courts ever hand out.
You know, I speak English and a little Spanish, but my Rosetta Stone lessons, it didn't cover stupid. If anybody here can explain to me what he just said, I'll give you a foot massage and a lollipop right here, right now, Tyrus.
TYRUS: I don't want those things, I'm just going to keep it to myself.
Okay. But this is a penalty for armed carjacking, not having overdue tapes from Blockbuster video. They should all be getting the 40-year maximum. The same penalty they used at Blockbuster Video.
4 ARMED SUSPECTS CLAIMING TO BE FBI AGENTS BREAK INTO DC HOME, STEAL NEARLY $20K IN PROPERTY
ANNOUNCER: Attention "Gutfeld!" writers.
All right, to the person who wrote this Blockbuster joke, what year do you think it is? Blockbuster's last store closed in 2019, let's try to keep the references to things that actually exist. You know, like kiss my grits and who shot J.R.? I get those. Anyway, if these politicians are so worried about protecting armed carjackers, at least change the name to unplanned hitchhikers. Violent thugs have feelings, too. So why this change? I mean, look at the stats on carjackings alone in D.C. In the past five years, they've skyrocketed, 148 back in 2018 to 485 last year, that's one for every Twinkie Ana Navarro ate in that same time span.
TYRUS: Damn.
Has anything been done to stop this? No, they're actually doing the opposite. Apparently woke politicians only care about stolen cars if they still run on gas. So since you're a "Gutfeld!" viewer, you're smart and asking yourself, "self, why would the city council then want to reduce penalties for a crime that's exploding?" And because you're a "Gutfeld!' viewer, and you're smart, your answer would be, "because they're retarded."
ANOUNCER: Urgent, a "Gutfeld!" apology.
I apologize for using a word normally used to describe the cast of "The View." But you got to wonder why they'd ease penalties for violent crime. Well, it's all about criminal reparations. Apparently, we must reduce penalties against violent crime to make up for years of oppression. You see, criminals are the victims, and they deserve damages for making them criminals. Of course, this is racist to assume that blacks or any minority would be like, "wow, thanks, guys. You know, I wasn't planning to carjack someone, but now I might be," because apparently there are only minority criminals and not minority victims.
The D.C. attorney general doesn't even hide it, tweeting, "Reforms to D.C.'s 122-year-old criminal code – passed before women and Black residents enjoyed fundamental rights – are sorely needed. This bill will improve public safety and provide long overdue clarity and fairness in our justice system." I'm sure those words will be comforting at the funeral when some Black or Hispanic parent is burying their kid who was murdered for his Nissan. See it's not about safety, it's about retroactive equity. If they were victims of the past, you shall now be victims in the future.
The new criminal code doesn't even take effect until October 2025. So if you live in Washington, D.C., get out now in your car instead of later in a hearse.
